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8 Things You Should Never Ask Your Friend Struggling with Infertility

8 Things You Should Never Ask Your Friend Struggling with Infertility

Infertility can be quite a taboo subject, but we really wish it wasn’t. Learning about infertility and how you can help your friend who’s struggling with infertility is SO CRUCIAL. If you can be open to understanding what your friend is going thru and find out how to truly show you support and care for them, it can help so much.

If you have a friend struggling with infertility, either female or male, I bet you’re wondering what you can say to show support or ask that is safe and hopefully won’t upset them. Try to support your friend.

friends talking in front of wedding dresses.

The most important thing is to be there for them and listen to them. Let them vent, have a shoulder to cry on, be someone to bounce ideas off of.

Infertility is a rough struggle. It can feel even rougher if you feel like it’s a topic you have to keep hush-hush about or can’t share your journey, frustrations or fears with your family and friends.

It takes a lot out of you physically, mentally and emotionally. I know from personal experience -to learn more about our infertility struggle, check out our journey.

Infertility can make you feel like the purpose that you were put here in life to do, to recreate, is not achievable— like you’re a failure. Even though you know you’re far from that.

There is also a laundry list of things you should never say to or ask a couple who is trying to get pregnant but struggling with infertility.

Top 8 Things You Should NEVER Ask Your Friend Struggling With Infertility:

1. “What position are you doing it in? Maybe you’re not doing it in the right one.”

Seriously, I had a “friend” of mine ask me this once. I looked at her and just shook my head. If you seriously think that the reason I am not getting pregnant is because we are having intercourse in the “wrong” position… You have a lot to learn.

So, please, save yourself the look of death from your friend and don’t ever utter such a silly question.

2. “Just let it happen, if you stress out about it, it won’t happen.” Or  “Don’t think about it”

This was the number one thing people would tell me. People would ask, so when are you having a baby next? I’d respond with “We are trying, just struggling through my infertility issues” or say something like, “Oh, we are working with Shady Grove Fertility Clinic”.

Most of the time the people would say, “Oh, you don’t need that!” and it was all I could do to not go into a whirlwind long explanation of why we do….. of why we have a next to nothing chance of conceiving on our own…. of why my body doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do WHEN it’s supposed to do it- if at all….

So- no, thinking about it is not the problem to my infertility issue…. stressing is the name of the game.

I will stress out.

I know limiting it helps my chances, but, when you’re going through what all we have had to and will have to go through for eventual Sharp Baby Number 2, Stress happens.

Infertility is on my mind 24/7 when we are trying to conceive. I can’t turn it off. You don’t know your friend’s entire situation, so until you’re educated on it, don’t say things like this….. If you do know the whole ordeal, this thought wouldn’t even cross your mind.

3. “You’re young – it will happen. It just takes time.”

This did nothing but piss me off when someone said this. Obviously, they’re trying to be nice. But, my age has nothing to do with the fact my body simply won’t release an egg at the proper time in my cycle without medication helping it. If you don’t know the full situation, keep your mouth closed with silly comments.

You know the saying, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all—-well heed to it.

Clock face.

4. “How long have you been trying, just give it more time” 

This one isn’t that bad, but it’s annoying. Your friend wouldn’t be sharing that she’s having infertility problems if you’ve they’ve been trying for a month or two – unless she had some underlying condition.

5. “Why don’t you just adopt or use a surrogate”

While these options are most likely on the back of our minds, these are not our first- go-to options. We’d like to start a family ourselves and if it is becoming impossible, those options are absolutely viable. However, please don’t just throw away our wishes, simply because we are having a hard time for the time being.

It can hurt feelings, like you’re saying we aren’t good enough to do it ourselves, just have someone else do it. I know it sounds silly, but, when you’re already thinking those things and trying to suppress those thoughts, you don’t need somebody saying the same thing to you like it’s no big deal.

6. “Here’s what we did and it worked the first time”

While I am always open for suggestions and glad to hear it worked for you, especially on your first try, I can almost guarantee I’ve tried it already.

I’ve googled and searched Pinterest high and low for every suggestion, tip or trick. I’ve tried every wives tale in the book. I’m sure your friend has too.

7. “So-and-So Got pregnant without even trying — or on accident”

This is like the biggest slap in the face. It’s like torture.

I want to be excited for friends and family when they announce their pregnancy, planned or accidental.

But to know it was on accident or without having a care in the world, it hurts. It makes me question why things were so easy for that person.

It sends me into another “Why Me” stage that I just don’t want to dive into again. It brings rage, it brings sadness, it brings hurt. Please, just avoid telling me about the accident part. Please, save your friend from another crying episode, she doesn’t need to hear this.

Her hormones are already crazy, especially, if she’s started a treatment cycle.

couple on a couch.

8. “Just enjoy it being the two of you, you don’t need a baby right now”

Who are you to decide when a child is appropriate for my significant other and myself. I know you say that and you probably mean well, but, it’s flat out rude.

If your friend is opening up to you about their infertility struggles, then obviously she and her significant other have discussed if they feel that they are ready for a child.

They’ve talked finances and life decisions and have made the decision to try to get pregnant.

Yes, they can enjoy the time that they have together, absolutely.

But don’t tell your friend that they don’t NEED a baby right now. That’s like telling a hungry person that they don’t need to eat anything right now, just enjoy the feeling of hunger.

Really!? No, you wouldn’t tell someone that. Don’t even think of saying these words to your friend.

To download this printable— about what NOT to ask your friend— click THIS

4 Things you SHOULD tell your friend who is struggling with infertility issues:

  1. I believe in you and support you in this journey.
  2. Can you educate me, tell me how I can help you and make any of this easier for you?
  3. I’m here if you need anything.
  4. We should go out and have a girls night.

If you’ve been through infertility and have any questions or thoughts to share, please feel free to comment in the comment areas.

We are trying to spread infertility awareness and how to actually show support to your friends or family going through these struggles, not hurt them.

If they’re opening up to you about their infertility journey, they must really trust you.

Don’t misuse that trust. Build it even stronger. It takes a lot to open up about such a personal and taboo subject.

Feel free to share any questions you would or wouldn’t want to ask when you or a friend are dealing with infertility in the comments below.

If you’re the one who is struggling… You need to get the 10 easy and fun ways to reconnect with your spouse while going through infertility printable.

They’re ten fun ways to rekindle that spark with your significant other during this trying time in your life.

I also wanted to take a second to share this awesome ebook with you if you’re the one struggling with infertility. It’s called Infertility is a Diagnosis, not a Definition.

It’s a very empowering ebook that teaches you ways to mentally cope with your diagnosis without letting it consume you. If it sounds like something you’re interested in, give it a read.

infertility warriors! you need this infertility support ebook. It's time to learn ways to cope with infertility. #infertility #ttc #infertilitywarrior #infertilitysupport

Brooks

Saturday 20th of October 2018

I'm so glad I read this!! I haven't struggled with infertility, so I'm the friend here! And I can totally see this through your eyes. I did get asked all the time "When are you gonna have a baby?!" because we were married for 4 years before having one. And we weren't using any protection, we were just thinking "if it happens, it happens" at that point. So it was always annoying to be asked that. But I never thought about it from this perspective. But honestly, some people need to mind their damn business ? *some* of these are obviously just ignorance and trying to say something encouraging but not knowing what to say. But others are downright rude! I also can't believe people have asked what positions you're using ???? next time just make up some weird names for different positions and see what they say!

Janice

Thursday 13th of September 2018

The WORST one I had was “it’s God’s will” I am a Christian, but when you are struggling and in pain the last thing you need is to feel like God is against you too! Well meaning but insensitive!

Yolanda

Thursday 17th of August 2017

As someone who's infertile and been TTC for 4 years, my biggest problem right now is that NO ONE even asks me about it anymore. They don't know how much pain I'm in and how it hurts every single day - because they don't ask. It's a very lonely place to be. Thanks for writing about this - it always amazes me how insensitive some people can be.

onesharpmamablog@gmail.com

Friday 18th of August 2017

Oh, Yolanda, I'm so sorry that you've been going through the struggle of infertility for so long. I'd love to connect via email or something if you ever need more support. We dealt with it as well, but, the doctors were able to help us. I'd love to learn more about your experience and story, if you are ever up for it. You're a very strong woman for pushing through these long four years. Please, feel free to email me at onesharpmamablog@gmail.com if you ever just need some extra support, need to vent or just want to share your experience. I'm always open to it. I wish you the best of luck and sending you all the continued strength that you have been showing.

Megan

Wednesday 14th of June 2017

"Just relax and it will happen" is my least favorite! Umm...no, I have low AMH and only one in SEVEN of my eggs are normal!

onesharpmamablog@gmail.com

Wednesday 14th of June 2017

Don't you just love the insensitivity of some people!?! I can't believe some people say such things. I'm sending happy vibes your way girlfriend! Hopefully your friends and family understand and don't start any conversations off with this list (unless it's the good part of the list) :) Thanks for checking One Sharp Mama out Megan!

Hannah

Wednesday 7th of June 2017

Hi Victoria,

I'm writing to let you know that I have nominated you for the Bloggers Recognition Award. I loved this post and it really resonated with me because I am struggling with infertility at the moment. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

See my nomination post at http://www.mrsyolo.com/2017/06/07/bloggers-recognition-award/

Looking forward to seeing who you pass this award onto!

Hannah-Life as Mrs Yolo

onesharpmamablog@gmail.com

Wednesday 7th of June 2017

Hannah! First off, I can't thank you enough for the nomination. It means more to me than you know. I love sharing our journey and things we have learned along the way. I just hope it touches some people and maybe even helps them learn a thing or two. I am sorry you are struggling with infertility. It is never an easy battle, that's for sure. For us, having a good mindset really helped us when we were down and felt like we were never going to get pregnant. Having such amazing verbal support from my husband meant more than he will ever know. It's a hard subject for anyone to talk about, let alone a male to talk to his wife about. I look forward to writing this post and posting either late this week or next week. Thanks again! If you need to reach out for support, please, don't hesitate! email me at onesharpmamablog@gmail.com